lilith-not-eve:

Marrying young is not the end of my freedom. It means I want to travel and see the world, but with her by my side. It means I still like drinking in bars and dancing in clubs, but stumbling home with her at 2am and eating pizza in our underwear. It means I know that I want to kiss those lips every morning, and every night before bed. If you see marriage as the end of your ‘freedom’, you’re doing it wrong.

(via obnoxiouskids)

I’ve been up since gone 1:00 because i have so much on my mind.

For the past few weeks now I’ve been having repeated panic attacks, being sick and having the most horrendous stomach cramps. I went to the doctors and they said its stress related and the best course of action is to rest, avoid stressful situations and maybe take beta blockers/other anti anxiety meds.

I don’t want to take medication, I want to just try to live normally without getting more depressed or my moods becoming more temperamental (which is a side effect) and trying to avoid stressful situations is difficult with my lifestyle (I guess one thing I should do is not react to trivial things)

The main things worrying me right now are: money, QTS tests, uni interviews, finding an employer to support me next year, achieving the high grades I need to get to pass uni with a first or a 2:1 etc. and I know it probably doesn’t seem like much to a lot of people but it’s crippling for me and I feel like I’m in a deep dark hole I can’t get out of.

One thing that’s also upset me is my relationship with my mum. We’ve spent a good couple of years working on a strained relationship we had for the previous years of my life and it got to a point where I felt comfortable. Now my sisters boyfriend has moved in it feels like she doesn’t want to know me anymore and I’m struggling to find ways to adjust and cope with this. I feel unwanted, pushed out and ignored because she seems to generally not be able to stand being around me.

From now I’m gonna try and look forward to the positive things. Hopefully going to London to see my boyfriend in a couple of weeks. He’s moving down on the 21st September and we have our anniversary, his birthday, a wedding and 3 gigs to look forward to in the next couple of months. I need to go back, take it step by step and conquer things little by little instead of letting fear overwhelm me, but it’s so incredibly difficult to do.

The only thing left to say though is thank you to Connor for sticking by me, supporting me, loving me unconditionally and genuinely being my rock throughout all of this and me undergoing therapy and everything in between. You’ve been absolutely amazing in helping me help myself and giving me the motivation and strength to go on just by reminding me that I can do this and you love me. My love for you has reached a point where it has never reached with anyone else. It helps to know I always got you to talk to and that I can actually talk to you (when my head isn’t a mess and I can organise my thoughts into coherent sentences)

Phew, feel a bit better already.

I am going downstairs for a drink and then im gonna write about my feelings because i need to get them out of my system.